So I don't usually make new year's resolutions but this year I made about 16. One of them was to give up drinking which lasted until my 1st January Bloody Mary but I figure it's OK to break that one because I didn't really mean it. I mean cutting down is perhaps a better idea because I enjoy being drunk but I know it fuels my anxiety and depression if I drink for too long a period of time in a row. But anyways this Bloody Mary had several different types of vegetable in it so I feel the nutritional value outweighs any ill-effects that may come from the vodka. This was in the Castro in San Francisco and then my friends and I went to Dolores Park and drank cheap wine from brown paper bags (illustrative pictures to follow when I get back to the UK). Gotta be done right? Anyways that wasn't the most important resolution.
I'm not one for traditions but as aforementioned I have the good fortune to be in the US right now (currently on Ocean Beach in San Diego in a hippie coffee shop - their wifi network is called 'World Peace') nearing the end of a West Coast road trip and even on the plane on the way out here I was mentally plotting changes I wanted to make, but having really wonderful conversations with old and new friends here has made me evermore determined with some of this stuff.
Hearing the minutiae of other people's existence can be pretty boring so I won't go into all of the resolutions. I fear writing about any of this stuff is pretty self-indulgent but one of the things I resolved to do was start blogging again just so I know I'd be writing something at least once a week and it would be up for public consumption to get over my fears that what I write or express about myself is never good enough. This links on to an even bigger resolution which was to attempt to try and feel less shame or at least limit the impact it has on my life. One of the reasons I stopped writing a blog and one of the reasons I write a lot less than I want to is the fear of judgement. Traditionally I start blogs and then delete them or drop them because I think what I write is embarrassing/self-indulgent/bad/wrong/not good enough. I think this is probably a common theme with most bloggers and writers. Knowing what to share and what not to share about yourself is a tension that exists for everyone, particularly writing, particularly in an age where everything is accessible by everyone on the internet but, at least for me, if I don't attempt to do something with my writing there's no point.
This blog is coming from someone too dazed from long road trips to have a proper conclusion, so I'm gonna sign off and wander the beach some more before I go back to London and my broken boiler in a few days time.